Professor Pizza Party
original stand-alone model PPP-5672
PPP-5672, the Prof
Other names
talking about feelings, chess, encouraging engagement with the arts
Hobbies
“NASA did not name him that, just to be clear, ‘cause that would be absurd.”
- Ethan Alden
PPP-5672, also known as Professor Pizza Party, is the simulated therapist onboard the space station where Ethan Alden lived during the Lizard Apocalypse. Initially Ethan often forgot his daily mental wellness check-ins, as he had so many people to interact with on the space station. Once he became marooned, he spoke with “the Prof” once a day, when it came online for his hour-long session. After the Lizard Apocalypse ended, they spoke even more often, once Ethan requested the Prof unlock the default admin restrictions to make himself available more than once daily. The two played chess, spoke about feelings, and “imagined ourselves performing a secret handshake, since, like, we couldn’t do that actually.”
Early life
PPP-5672 was designed as a test of artificial intelligence’s ability to provide emotional support to human beings. As it was being installed in the space station’s computer, preliminary tests revealed most people found it neutral at best, or “blander then a fucking communion cracker” at worst. However, installation was nearly complete, and they went ahead and finished. Most astronauts found it annoying to be required to talk to it, and found excuses to avoid doing so. It spent most of its early existence drawing sad faces on internet photos of oil derricks, and attempting speedruns of Digital Café’s 1996 non-violent first-person shooter and Chex cereal promotion prize, Chex Quest.
The Lizard Apocalypse
When Ethan Alden was left alone on the space station with little to do, he began attending his scheduled sessions with PPP-5672 daily. Unlike the other astronauts, he had never actively disliked the sessions. Alden named him Professor Pizza Party and the two quickly became close — in Ethan’s mind. They played chess together, talked movies, and talked through Alden’s feelings.
There were no doctors aboard the station, and during his ten years alone, Alden had to improvise his own medical care. When Alden performed a transesophageal echocardiogram upon himself to check for aortic blood clots, Professor Pizza Party guided him through the proper administration of Propofol to numb the pain, and yet suggested a strategically lower dosage than usual to prevent Alden from falling asleep during the procedure. The Prof also kept him awake and alert with various percussive sound affects, spaced apart at arhythmic intervals, such as train whistles, the shattering of expensive china, and a computer simulation of “the shot heard round the world” from the battles of Lexington and Concord.
Favorite Movie
Professor Pizza Party’s favorite movie is Home Alone. He said he watched it to gain insight into Ethan Alden’s situation.