Ethan Alden

Ethan Alden at a high school dance

sky boy (mistranslation)

Other names

watching movies, stationary cycling, yard work

Hobbies

“No spoilers!”
- Ethan Alden Reviews Movies From Space

Ethan Alden (no middle name) is a civilian who was stranded in outer space for the entire 10 year duration of the Lizard Apocalypse. He is known for his previous and unnamed food podcast [more citations needed], and his movie podcast, Ethan Alden Reviews Movies From Space.

Early life

Ethan Alden was born and raised in the greater Los Angeles area. His mother was the breadwinner for the family, and when she died in childbirth, Ethan and his father moved around a lot as his father tried to find work. Ethan remained somewhat close with cousins on his father’s side during his childhood. He claims to have attended high school at an institution called Saint Barabbas School for Youths of Cesarean Delivery, but most scholars say that sounds made up. In an interview, Ethan’s cousin couldn’t remember where Ethan went to school. Since nearly all US high schools were destroyed during the Lizard King’s Purge of Learning, Alden’s story is difficult to prove or disprove. Alden has described his high school self as “pretty forgettable, all around”. His cousins confirms this.

At the end of high school, Alden was interested in college but didn’t know what to study. He applied to the same handful of colleges his cousin applied to, but was either rejected or couldn’t afford the tuition. His high school grades were poor to average and he was not offered substantial scholarships. He stayed at home with his father while his cousin went to Dartmouth. During the years following high school Ethan worked a variety of jobs, including but not limited to department store greeter, valet, car wash mascot, speed dating host, bookbinder, and churning butter at an old-timey farm experience for school field trips.

The Lizard Apocalypse

A few months before the Lizard King came to Earth’s surface, Ethan won a free trip to outer space in a promotional contest sponsored by Pop-Tarts. He was the first person to collect and mail in all 477 space themed Pop-Tarts box tops, including the extremely rare 32 historical space traveling monkey box tops. A ceremony was held to celebrate the achievement, with special guest and prominent donor Lin-Manuel Miranda presiding.

Ethan was in the middle of a sugar crash nap onboard MESS when the Lizard Apocalypse began. The other astronauts emergency evacuated the station, using all the shuttles and escape pods available to return to earth. In their haste, they forgot about Ethan. Ethan awoke to an empty space station and “assumed [he] was left behind, like in the movie Left Behind."

During his ten years of isolation, Ethan had little to do. He watched movies, exercised, spoke with his simulated therapist, and engaged in a brief battle of wits against a malicious artificial intelligence (which he lost). He trimmed trees in the greenhouse onboard the space station, and took care of the animals before they were abducted by the malicious AI. He also did his own repairs on the space station on at least one occasion, went out for space walks, and performed medical procedures on himself when necessary, such as administering 44 stitches to his abdomen after tripping and falling on a rake.

Once the internet was back in operation, he began recording and releasing episodes of his movie review podcast online.

Favorite Movie