The Grand Shellac Course
The Grand Canyon, pre-shellac
Crab Links, Gates of Hell
Other names
culling hubris
Hobbies
“The howling of the wind died out, the dust cleared, and she rose from hole 19, for the seventh time, victorious.”
- The Annals of Adam, Robert Lizard Stevenson
The Grand Shellac Course is an elaborate and dangerous miniature golf course/maze built over the Grand Canyon, which was shellacked over by the Lizard King at the beginning of his reign. It is extremely long, punishingly complex, and the most upsetting miniature golf course in the world since the closure of Pharaoh’s Lost Kingdom. The course was not only a treacherous maze, but also considered unbeatable for the better part of a decade, until Quannah Chasinghorse finished the course under par 7 times in a row over 4 days.
The course’s Origins as The Grand Canyon
Before the Lizard King came along, the Grand Canyon was just a boring old canyon.
The Lizard Apocalypse
During his reign, the Lizard King didn’t appreciate anything directing mankind’s gaze toward a higher power than he, such as nature, any concept of a god, or cell phone towers disguised as trees. The Grand Canyon often pulled focus, and the Lizard King was fed up. According to The Annals of Adam:
“He raised his clawed fingers to the sky, summoned forth a mighty swarm of Kerria lacca, and bade them: ‘Shellac the crack!’”
After the Grand Canyon was filled in, the Lizard King ordered Crab Lord to, “build something in honor of me.” Crab Lord is a bit of a wild card, and built a miniature golf course.
The Course Itself
The Grand Shellac Course is surrounded by a high stone wall. Over the wall, one can barely make out the typical trappings of a mini golf course: a pirate ship, a plaster windmill, two ostriches fighting over a pizza, etc. The stones of the wall rise up into an archway that looks innocuous enough at first glance. Upon entering, players round a bend, out of sight. That’s pretty much all we know.
Approximately 11,762 golf players — some human, some lizard people, and some neither — have entered the course. Less than 30 returned, and only 6 finished the course. 5 of them finished with such horrible scores, they refused to divulge them. But Crab Lord confirmed they did finish the course.
Quannah Chasinghorse
Eventually, Native American land protector, model, and activist Quannah Chasinghorse entered the course, much to the dismay of her friends and family. She emerged 4 days later un-emaciated, though she could not explain exactly how she obtained food and water. She claimed to have finished the entire course 7 times, obtaining her own personal record the 5th time. This claim was hotly debated until Crab Lord corroborated.
Crab Lord does not lie.
Documentary
A group of enterprising film students — the same ones that considered making a film about the Purge of Learning — set out to make a documentary about the miniature golf course. They were warned that “few who enter live to tell the tale,” and “they say a dark terror dwells within,” and “stop, don’t” but they did not listen.
All of the film students went missing except one. A documentary was made about the survivor, called Grand Shellac and Back, which premiered at Lizard Sundance to mixed reviews.
Cobra VS Croc
On the wall around the course, a street art piece by Cobra VS Croc depicts the pair fighting Crab Lord with spears. Underneath it says “Cobra VS Croc VS Crab.” However, if you circle to the other side of the course, the wall has an alternate piece with Cobra and Croc being brutally dismembered and devoured by Crab Lord. No matter from which direction the wall is approached, a viewer somehow always sees the fight first and the devouring second, as if the pieces intimate a sequential narrative.
The artists Cobra and Croc do take credit for the first piece, but say they did not create the second. Since the second piece appeared, Cobra and Croc claim to be cursed with bad luck. They attempted to wash away their art piece on the Shellac Course’s walls to lift the curse, but it would not come off, and their hands became stained with blood.