Robert Lizard Stevenson
this is just the actual Robert Louis Stevenson
real name unknown
Other names
writing, avoiding chives, gardening
Hobbies
“No chives, please. I’m allergic to chives.”
- Robert Lizard Stevenson, ordering a salad
Robert Lizard Stevenson is the pseudonym of an otherwise unknown apocalyptic historian. Their book The Annals of Adam: An incomplete history of the lizard apocalypse, and some tips on how to grow genetically perfect tomatoes has remained on the bestseller lists of both The New New York Times and The New New New York Times since publication. In spite of the modest title, The Annals of Adam is considered the ultimate authority on apocalypse information. The gardening tips are shit though.
Early life
It is unknown whether Stevenson is human or lizard or otherwise. In the prologue of their book, Stevenson claims to have been born in a tomato garden. The prose of the prologue reads like the book of Genesis, and is generally considered apocryphal. Stevenson claims to have been:
“...born beneath a tomato red moon,
on a Summer Solstice night,
in a porcelain tub
filled with marinara!”
Other than that, Stevenson mentions getting bitten by a hamster on Christmas once.
The Lizard apocalypse
The Annals of Adam covers the Lizard Apocalypse from a wide geographical perspective with great accuracy and efficiency. It covers a massive variety of topics, including the Lizard King, Clawsco, the Purge of Learning, Vampire Mike, and co-operative greeting simulator video game High Five 5000 and its role in human-lizard people relations.
The book does not give any indication of the author’s location during the actual events it covers. A popular urban legend spread that Ethan Alden was the author, having a near literal bird’s eye view of the events from aboard MESS, due to being stranded in space during the apocalypse. However, most scholars dismiss this theory as unlikely, highlighting Alden’s limited intelligence. Alden himself has denied authorship, also citing his low intellect. Alden says he would like to write a book someday, but he’d “have to pick a topic somebody dumb as a rock could write about.”
After the Lizard Wars ended, a radical political group called out Stevenson, claiming The Annals of Adam to be “too sympathetic towards those scaley barstads [sic].” A miscommunication about Stevenson living on top of a hill found the protestors picketing the private home of Sarah Michelle Gellar. She appeared on the porch — bewildered — talked down the mob, and sent them home. That afternoon, a spokesperson for Stevenson claimed the author lived, “neither at the top of a hill, nor at the bottom of one.”
The Annals of Adam also gives a brief overview of the complex history of the 11 Great Lizard Houses.
identity
Stevenson’s identity is known only to fellow author and friend, time-traveling self-help guru, Alexandra the Great.
Favorite Movie
Stevenson’s favorite movie is Treasure Planet. Diehard fans of Robert Louis Stevenson find this irritating, as they consider that film a subpar adaptation of the beloved Robert Louis Stevenson novel, Treasure Island. Lizard Stevenson released a statement through their publicist that “the heart wants what it wants”. Selena Gomez’s song of the same title saw a spike in digital downloads for the next month and a half.