The New NEW New York Times
logo for The New New New York Times
“The factual news” (self-proclaimed)
Other names
libeling The New New York Times
Hobbies
“The most abysmal journalism since the graffiti in the Penn Station restroom announced Michael Phelps can’t swim.”
- Esther Heppenstall, The New New York Times
The New New New York Times is a weekly newspaper that releases every Sunday morning at 10:59am. The editor-in-chief is Cassie Heppenstall. The paper has a fierce rivalry with The New New York Times, whose editor-in-chief is Cassie’s twin sister, Esther Heppenstall.
Origin and Rivalry with the New New York Times
Cassie Heppenstall left The New New York Times on account of differing opinions on journalistic integrity. Cassie. The two papers have an antagonistic relationship, and often shutoff each others’ power and steal Otter Pops from each others’ respective break room refrigerators.
Temple of Doom Tuesdays
Every Tuesday at The New New New York Times office is Temple of Doom Tuesday. At 10am Eastern Standard Time, the staff gathers in the conference room and watches the moment from Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom where the high priest Mola Ram rips out a man’s heart. The staff all holler in theatrical shock and awe as the heart is ripped out, and then they stop the movie and go back to work.