The New New York Times
wordmark for The New New York Times
“The actual news” (self-proclaimed)
Other names
slandering the New New New York Times
Hobbies
“The worst journalism since my 3rd grade crush passed a note around the classroom, proclaiming that I eat poo.”
- Cassie Heppenstall, The New New New York Times
The New New York Times is a weekly newspaper that releases every Sunday morning at 11am. The editor-in-chief is Esther Heppenstall. The paper has a fierce rivalry with The New New New York Times, whose editor-in-chief is Esther’s twin sister, Cassie Heppenstall.
Background
New York City was a bedrock of evil during the Lizard King’s reign. As a result, the city was almost completely destroyed in the middle of the Lizard Apocalypse. All that remained was the Temple de Reptilia Dungeon and Botanical Gardens, which was acquired by a food conglomerate to turn into one of their restaurants. There was much public outcry over this. Many people thought it best to destroy the temple that represented so much pain and cruelty when it was an outpost of the Lizard King’s forces. So the food conglomerate came to a compromise with the public: they would “destroy this temple, and we will raise it again in three days.” The public responded that the temple originally took forty-six days to build, and questioned how they planned to raise it up in three days.
But somehow they managed it.
The city built up around the restaurant, and was named New New York. Cuz it was all new.
Return of the News
Journalist twins Esther and Cassie Heppenstall wanted to recreate The New York Times, but the internet wasn’t back, and the city records had been lost, and nobody wanted to step on anybody’s toes by stealing something that wasn’t theirs. So they created The New New York Times, which “just sorta worked out with the whole new name for the city and stuff,” Cassie said.
Rivalry with the New New New York Times
Cassie Heppenstall wanted to run a story that Esther Heppenstall was firmly against publishing. The nature of the story remains unknown, but it reportedly “had something to do with ham.” The story was never published. In fury, Cassie Heppenstall broke off with exactly 50% of the staff of the paper to form a rival paper. She even took one of the two office dogs (which 100% of the staff considered a relief, because the dogs didn’t get along well with each other). Cassie and her team setup a rival paper in a building across the street and called it The New New New York Times.
The two papers have an antagonistic relationship, constantly berating each other in their respective published content, and shooting fireworks at each other from their neighboring second story office windows.
Scrapped Film Portrayal
Celebrated lizard actor ßkwwlth, who won an Oscar for his performance in the film dramatization of the Human Celebrity Gladiator Games, attempted to produce his directorial debut as a fictional drama about the inner machinations of The New New York Times. The production was about to begin its press junket when ßkwwlth discovered that — by some bizarre, highly improbably, sheer accident — his film was a shot-for-shot remake of the 1976 Robert Redford vehicle All the President’s Men. ßkwwlth, who wrote the script, had never heard of Watergate until he made it up himself for his script. ßkwwlth phoned Robert Redford to apologize, who thought the whole thing was a delightfully funny joke. Redford watched the film himself and “loved every single second of it.”
Rumor has it Redford will show the film at Sundance. Regular Sundance, not Lizard Sundance.
This connection led to Redford, ßkwwlth, and actor Brad Pitt collaborating on a remake of 1996 drama film A River Runs Through It. It started Brad Pitt and ßkwwlth (who also wrote the screenplay) and was titled A Lizard Runs Through It.