Justin McElroy became the aspect of Paul Blart obsessed with rules, aptly named Law Blart. He began giving handwritten citations to civilians for what he called infractions, ranging from “looking at me sideways” to “being an enormous, sentient crab”. Such practices escalated until he got into a tussle with actor Kevin James for impersonating an officer of the law. The Lizard King sentenced the pair to fight to the death. Justin won by distracting Kevin James with an upsettingly old banana while shooting marbles beneath his feet, causing the actor to slip and fall to his death. Law Blart became the official referee for the Lizard King’s Celebrity Gladiator Games. Kevin James is survived by his wife and children and a plethora of comedy films of wildly varying quality.

Travis McElroy was transformed into Foody Blart and opened a chain of modestly successful nacho-themed restaurants. Every year they host a nacho eating contest with a small amount of cheese and a large number of dry tortilla chips, which the New New New York Times once described as “a must-see for anyone who has literally nothing else better to do.”

Griffin McElroy morphed into Father Blart. However, having not seen the film, the lizard wizard put a religious bent on Griffin rather than a parental instinct. Griffin launched Cult of the Blart, a group obsessed with debating the likelihood of Cthulhu sporting a mustache above his squidy face tentacles. The Lizard King publicly denounced the group as harmless, to which the cult bombed several of his temples for “a lack of acknowledgment of the divine mystery of the stache.” Father Blart is a wanted felon in 11 states.

Tim Batt got off easy. He grew a trim mustache and an aptitude for Segway stunts, and began to go by Scooty Blart, but remained otherwise unchanged. The lizard wizard may have been a fan of his comedy. Scooty Blart can be seen throughout New Zealand, doing death defying Segway tricks. His most famous stunt to date was jumping the Beehive, the circular, 72 meter tall government building in Wellington, NZ. Scooty Blart leapt the building in a single bound, jumping from the pavement without a ramp and landing safely on the other side.

Guy Montgomery turned into a Segway with a mustache and became Scooter Blart, not to be confused with Scooty Blart. The pair collaborated on the Beehive jump. Scooter Blart still hosts the popular comedy television panel show Guy Montgomery’s Guy Mont-Spelling Bee, but has changed the name to Scoot Blartgomery’s Stache Mont-Spelling Blart, which is widely considered a terrible name. Due to Scooter Blart’s inability to speak, the show has become incomprehensible, yet maintains decent viewership and remains on the air.