the Lizard King in ceremonial dance

ßkaalth, Junior

Other names

bar trivia, Christianity

Hobbies

“His teeth are sharp, his mind sharper, and his Skullhammer always dull.”
- Annals of Adam, Robert Lizard Stevenson

Early life

The Lizard King was woven into a chrysalis, pre-birth, by his mother, Sofia Bernstein (ßkeelth), and father Lizard Louis Bernstein, Sr. (ßkaalth) around the year 5672 Bß, though the exact date by human estimations is not known. As lizard people chrysalides can remain dormant anywhere from 16 days to 4.7 eons (by human timekeeping), the length of his cocoon state was considered neither late nor early. The Lizard King’s father, ßkaalth Sr., was the sixth son of the seventh son of the House of the Forked Tongue, and knew his son was prophesied to unite the 11 Lizard Houses and become the Lizard King. While ßkaalth and ßkeelth expected great things from their son, it is not known if they would have approved of the Lizard King’s ten year war against and enslavement of humanity. ßkaalth and ßkeelth reportedly died in 1975 AD when the opening of the first Chili’s in Dallas, Texas caused an unintentional subterranean cave in, unbeknownst to surface dwellers at the time.

The Lizard King eventually emerged from his subterranean chrysalis upon hearing the song “Baba O’Riley” in a municipal dump outside the city limits of Hesperia, California, which was immediately above his chrysalis.

After hatching, The Lizard King disappeared for many years. His whereabouts during this critical period of development are highly debated. Multiple eye-witness accounts across the American Carolinas report seeing “a Komodo dragon in a Baja hoodie” that was either buying a canned soda or using a voting machine, depending on the storyteller. These and other tales have been attributed to the Lizard King, but the subsequent apocalypse made it challenging to corroborate their authenticity. The Lizard King himself claims to have participated in a lot of bar trivia during his disappearance.

The Lizard King refers to the period of his absence as his “salad days.” That may not be inaccurate, but most scholars think he doesn’t really know what that means.

The Lizard Apocalypse

Around 127 ALN, the Lizard King returned to the Lizard Kingdom, entered the Vault of Consequence, and sealed himself inside. When he emerged in 9928 ALN, he was accompanied by the Great Lizard Army. He and his army ascended to the surface of the Earth, revealed the existence of lizard people, etc, to humans, and took control of the planet in a matter of hours. For the next 10 years, the Lizard King ruled the world with an iron fist, enslaving humanity and inviting all manner of previously assumed mythological creatures onto the surface; some malicious, some benevolent, and some bewildering.

Millions of humans and lizard people were killed during the decade long conflict — as well as frogs, wyverns, giant land-dwelling sea hares, orthopedic surgeons, hot air balloon pilots, and many many others — by order of the Lizard King. Black licorice was outlawed (which was fine). After reading the Old Testament of the Judeo-Christian Bible, the Lizard King turned the Nile River into blood, “just to show that [he] could.” He forced human celebrities to fight to the death in the Human Celebrity Gladiator Games. He also shellacked over the Grand Canyon and built an elaborate and labyrinthian miniature golf course on top, into which many have entered and never returned.

The Lizard King is a mighty warrior; few are his equal in single combat. The undead immortal vampire and Los Angeles socialite known as Vampire Mike is one exception. The goddess Ishtar is likely another, because the Lizard King was too cowardly to face her in person.

Religious Conversion and self Exile

The Lizard King was hosting the 4th Annual Human Celebrity Gladiator Games when he received an SMS text message on his Android phone. He stepped out of the VIP box at the Staples Center to make a phone call and was never seen in person on Earth again. 2 days later a news conference was held, in which the Lizard King announced he had prayed to receive Jesus Christ into his heart and would no longer be ruling the world, for religious reasons. He called off the Lizard Wars, said he would go into self-imposed exile “to reflect on what I’ve learned these past 2 days”, and left the planet with the majority of his army.

Supposedly. He has been spotted many times since, usually being an asshole. Report your own sighting here.

The Lizard King’s favorite movie is Taps. He likes the sound of the trumpet, and somehow became convinced that the song “Taps” was written for the movie Taps. He refuses to allow anyone to play “Taps” in real life, because he says it will never compare to how it sounds in the movie.

In case you hadn’t gathered, the Lizard King is unwell.