Vault of Consequence
possible sketch of the entrance to the Vault of Consequence
El Huevo
Other names
“AVISO: LAVARSE LAS MANOS ANTES DE ENTRAR.”
- a sign on the front door of the Vault of Consequence
The Vault of Consequence is a hermetically sealed, egg-shaped, subterranean chamber that contains the birthright of the Lizard King. Some of its contents are known, such as the half court basketball court, but most are not. The most recent Lizard King, ßkaalth, brought forth the bulk of his army of lizard warriors from the Vault of Consequence.
General history
In the olden days, the Lizard King hid all his prized possessions under a rock, to pass down to all future generations of Lizard Kings. However, the rock became too small to cover everything. Eventually a bigger rock was procured. But one king with great foresight decided to build an enormous chamber instead, and moved everything into that chamber. He built it “extra super big,” because “at some point you just— like— a rock’s just small.”
Each time there is a seventh son of a seventh son born in the House of the Forked Tongue, he becomes the Lizard King. Traditionally he will enter the Vault of Consequence in youth to “see what he’s working with,” and then again when he feels he is near death, to leave something for future kings.
The location and entrance are a closely guarded family secret, known only to a select few of the House of the Forked Tongue. However, it is believed American abolitionist Harriet Tubman figured it out.
Entering the vault requires the singing of a sacred familial chant which, according to Robert Lizard Stevenson, sounds “pretty much exactly like ‘Mr. Brightside’ by the Killers.”
Contents
The contents of the Vault of Consequence have been the subject of much speculation. The majority of scholars agree there is a truncated basketball court serviceable for 3-on-3 at most, and it is known for a fact that ßkaalth exited the Vault of Consequence with his army of lizard warriors, so there must have been an enormous collection of lizard warrior chrysalises in some form of stasis.
Otherwise, various records over the centuries often allude to “a duck pond shaped like a kidney bean,” numerous costume quality wigs, and an exhaustive list of popular American minced oaths. Twizzlers are also consistently mentioned, but never in any specific quantity.
Ray Romano Films
A popular conspiracy theory hypothesizes there is a large collection of the lost Ray Romano films in the Vault of Consequence.