Ray Romano
no visual representation of Ray Romano currently exists
Manny (fictional character from Ice Age: Collision Course)
Other names
acting, the art of concealment
Hobbies
“…the most misplaced public persona since Aimee Semple McPherson.”
- The Annals of Adam, Robert Lizard Stevenson
Raymond Albert Romano is a stand-up comedian, actor, screenwriter, and in recent years, an American cryptid. He is currently best known for voicing Manny in Ice Age: Collision Course, because that is his only surviving work after the Lizard Apocalypse. As that is an animated film, no visual record of Ray Romano currently exists on earth. He was declared missing, presumed dead until he was discovered in the background of a photograph, taken at Applebee’s and posted on social media.
Early life
Little is known about Ray Romano’s early life. He was born in America, presumably, and acted in TV and film. One co-star (who requested to remain anonymous) claims he was not opposed to red meat. Some remember a documentary series based on his life. For years it was believed he founded Romano’s Macaroni Grill, the casual dining restaurant chain specializing in Italian-American Cuisine. However, the chain’s management refuted the idea repeatedly, and — for unknown reasons — with violent terror.
The Lizard Apocalypse
During the Lizard Apocalypse, 54-year-old Ohio native Wanda Wieczorkowski was trying to think of what to watch on Saturday afternoon. She opened her TV cabinet and her eyes fell upon an old bootlegged DVD copy of Ice Age: Collision Course. Not remembering what it was or how it got there, she watched the movie. Recognizing the voice of Manny the mastodon, she saw Ray Romano’s name in the credits, but she couldn’t seem to remember what else she had been in. She looked through her sizable DVD and Blu-Ray collection, but found no trace of him. She asked friends and family, and eventually strangers. Many remembered him, but none could remember what from.
The mystery spread by word of mouth. Once the apocalypse ended and the internet was brought back online, Ray Romano was the top Google search for 11 weeks straight — and has continued to be in the top 3 since. No one on the internet could find any record of Ray Romano, or possessed any records of their own. Nearly everyone remembered him, but all digital or physical recordings of him — movies, shows, photography, etc — was completely gone.
As a result, Wanda Wieczorkowski became famous. She carefully restored the bootleg quality DVD of Ice Age: Collision Course and began distributing it for free. Questions of legality were not raised, as the Walt Disney Company was targeted and destroyed during the Lizard Apocalypse for selling weapons to the Lizard King’s forces.
Ray Romano has become a legendary American cryptid. People claim to have seen him all over the globe, but only the Applebee’s sighting is considered by most scholars to be true.
Applebee’s Incident
High school students — and best friends — Jennifer Spoelstra and Tamika Watson were finishing dinner at an Applebee’s at 11:47pm in Petaluma, California, when their waiter brought out an enormous cake. The staff began to sing “Happy Birthday” to Watson, though it wasn’t her birthday. Assuming Spoelstra had told the staff as a joke, Watson accepted the cake in good humor, slightly embarrassed, and took a selfie of Spoelstra and herself smiling over the cake. She posted it online and the two began to eat. As they walked to Tamika’s car in the parking lot, conversation revealed Spoelstra was not behind the prank. Spoelstra was suprised, thinking Watson herself had told the staff it was her birthday. The two were slightly alarmed, since the staff had sung to Tamika by name. Tamika went on her phone to edit the photo post and add this bit of context, and spotted Ray Romano in the background of their photo.
In the photo, Romano was sitting in a booth by himself. He was wearing a Phillie’s baseball cap and eating a philly cheesesteak. He appeared ashamed of this congruity in the photo, as his hand was blurred, swinging up to try and cover the cap logo. He was looking at the camera with a sheepish expression.
Watson and Spoelstra rushed back into the restaurant, but Romano was gone. The staff had no memory of a customer using that booth within the last few hours.
The post went viral, until one of the many recurring post-apocalyptic internet outages resulted in its accidental permanent deletion.
Legacy
Romano is forever in our hearts. Some believe he was cursed by the same witch that cursed the sea serpent hunting vessel, the Notary Public. The New New York Times continuously encourages the public to get a picture of Ray Romano, if possible, with the “See Something, Ray Something” campaign. On the nonsensical nature of the title, editor Esther Heppenstall said, “an intern suggested it and fell into a giggling fit, and we were too charmed to say no.”
Romano has been officially recognized as an American cryptid by the National Geographic Society, alongside Mothman.
A tourist visiting Jessica, the fortune-telling obsidian slab, asked her for Romano’s whereabouts.
Spoelstra and Watson remain best friends to this day.
Favorite Movie
Ray Romano’s favorite movie is the subject of much speculation. There is a betting pool with the higher payouts estimated to be hundreds of thousands of dollars. Ice Age: Collision Course is a common guess, even if unlikely. Other popular choices are Seven Brides for Seven Brothers, Beau Geste, and A Star is Born — though on the latter, there is no consensus on which particular adaptation it might be.