Iguana Crime Family

the death of Don Iguana took place on Saint Valentine’s Day, earning the name, “The Lesser Saint Valentine’s Day Massacre”


Iguana Fishing Co.

Other names


crime

Hobbies


“Pretty boring stuff for a mafia family.”

- Martin Scorsese, on relinquishing the film rights to the Iguana crime family’s story

The Iguana crime family is a lizard people family of criminals that live and operate in the state of Maine. However, their primary income is actually a legitimate lobster and fish business. It was initially created to launder money but then took off and made them far more wealthy than crime ever did.

Their family motto, “Noziedzība nemaksā,” means “Crime doesn’t pay” in Latvian — which was used in place of Latin, after a miscommunication with their marketing team. The marketing team was summarily shot. But then the family kinda liked the motto anyway so they kept it.

Origin and History

During the Lizard Apocalypse, lizard person ßkpplth’s college was burned down in the Purge of Learning, and he was depressed. He got Taco Bell, bought a 24 pack of Pabst from Clawsco, and went home to feel sad. On beer 21 (as an 8-foot tall lizard person, ßkpplth could really put them away), he stumbled upon a LaserDisc copy of Angels with Dirty Faces. He popped it in and by beer 24 he had decided to become a criminal.

He wanted a “family” in order to be the leader of a crime family, so he recruited his six brothers and started calling himself Don Iguana. The most responsible brother had recently purchased a fishing vessel and suggested they use his fledgling fishing business as an opportunity to launder money.

The fishing business took off, and eventually keeping up the crime side of things became rote and tiresome to the brothers — with the exception of the youngest, who continued to steal chocolate bars from Walgreens. They made a little money here and there betting on the lizard people sport of carapace, but their hearts weren’t in it. The brothers kept up crime for appearances, becoming increasingly disenfranchised with the idea the more they invested in the fishing business.

Only two really exciting criminal activities occurred during the family’s life of crime. The first thing was the kidnapping of two Lizard King warriors. The Iguana family turned them over to the Lizard King with bags over their heads, and demanded the Lizard King’s publicized reward for delivering Cobra and Croc to him alive.

The second thing was Don Iguana’s “murder.”

The Lesser Saint Valentine’s Day Massacre and Film Prospect

It’s not even that exciting, poor guy. It was a polo accident. Look at the picture.

Martin Scorsese considered making a crime film about Don Iguana’s life before realizing how boring it was. He handed over the rights to Paul Thomas Anderson, who is considering turning it into more of a drama about depression, familial pressure, and wrestling with a desire to be somebody important.

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