Clawsco
I hope I don’t get in trouble for this.
“Better than Costco!”
- Billboard for Clawsco
Clawsco is the non-human version of Costco. It has similar bulk offerings to Costco, but features products that better serve lizard people, vampires, mermaids, etc.
Clawsco is the main retailer of Doctor Doomlittle’s Extra Spicy Trinidad Scorpion Butch T Pepper Salsa Dip and Transmission Fluid.
Clawsco is in an active battle to keep Cthulhu from awakening and driving humanity insane.
Origin
Clawsco has existed since 1984, but mostly underground. Once humans and non-humans began to live together on the surface during the Lizard Apocalypse, Clawsco opened a location in Boston, Massachusetts. Costco attempted to litigate, but the entrance to Clawsco was guarded by two seven-story-tall sphinxes. The first few lawyers who tried to enter answered their riddles incorrectly and were devoured. Plus, the internet was down and Costco couldn’t send cease and desist emails. And each subsequent brick and mortar was also guarded by sphinxes.
Legal Dispute and Cthulhu
Eventually an enterprising young lawyer named Langer snuck in through a bathroom window at a location in West Virginia and served papers to Mothman, the store manager. Costco would have their day in court.
During the trial, it came to light that Clawsco is the only thing standing between the mortal world and the awakening of Cthulhu from hibernation to drive humanity into madness. Mothman himself explained that the anxiety human shoppers have felt when shopping in Costco is not in fact due to the sheer size of the store, the crowds, the lines to enter and exit, nor the overwhelmingly massive bulk quantity options. Rather, Cthulhu is the source of constant subconscious anxiety for all Costco shoppers ever since Costco started accidentally constructing locations along a series of sacred cultic ley lines. Clawsco began building brick and mortars in strategic locations both above and below ground to restore the balance in Earth’s energies and preserve Cthulhu’s catatonic state. The sphinxes help keep the cultists out, as Cthulhu worshippers “commonly lack the sangfroid to riposte.”
Costco accused Mothman of lying under oath. However, a spirit descended upon Mothman in bodily form like a dove, and a voice from heaven said, “This is my beloved son, with whom I am well pleased.” That settled the matter.
Fungini’s Lifetime Membership
At the end of the Lizard Apocalypse, Fungini the sentient fungus woman visited a Clawsco in Waco, Texas and was asked to show her membership card to enter, as per standard procedure. Fungini produced an aged yellow document from 1984: a lifetime membership she had purchased during the store’s grand opening for a dollar. The membership was unique in that it granted her 50% off all purchases for all time. The employee thought it was fake and brought it to the manager, who had to call their regional manager when the membership ID was not recognized by their computer system. Eventually the regional manager was able to verify that, while technically the lifetime membership was offered when stores first opened, it was not offered any longer. Fungini pointed out that she didn’t need it to be offered now. She already had one. They begrudgingly let her shop, and she purchased a quarter of the store’s inventory all at once.
The Clawsco location in Waco attempted other bureaucratic measures to avoid honoring the lifetime membership. They enacted new rules about how to obtain a mandatory updated card, requiring Fungini to essentially be in two places at once to file the proper paperwork. But as Fungini’s network of subterranean mycelium spans the globe, she obliged, manifesting humanoid form in two cities at the same time. Clawsco then had its sphinxes ask Fungini the most challenging riddles they could come up with, but as Fungini’s existence and knowledge predates all written history, she easily solved the riddles. In fact, her answers were recorded and “took environmentally friendly nuclear waste processing research and catapulted it ahead by 15 years,” as reported by The New New New York Times.
Eventually, Mothman intervened. Having been recently promoted to Director of Area Growth, it was his job to fly to struggling Clawsco locations in the US and problem solve, or provide general management consulting. He issued a new card to Fungini — 50% discount included — and instructed the Waco location to “cease this churlish bushwa.”
Miscellaneous Info
Clawsco is the largest retailer of LaserDiscs since the post-apocalyptic renaissance of the medium.
Clawsco is a prominent seller of Xebec cards. Several locations host monthly Xebec tournaments.
The retail chain is advised by Pasadena City College of the Dead on where to build locations to best balance ley lines and keep Cthulhu asleep.
The 5’11” praying mantis named Praying Mantis frequents the Clawsco in Atwater Village, Los Angeles. It may be that she prays for people; it’s hard to tell.