Carapace

ancient fresco describing the official rules of carapace


Shellshock

Other names


“I don’t know anything about real sports".

- me

Carapace, also known as Shellshock, is the most popular lizard people sport. It is physically demanding and has been called “as intellectually stimulating and challenging as human chess,” by Esther Heppenstall of The New New York Times.

History and Rules of Play

Carapace was invented by the House of Scales in 4,000 Bß (Before ßkaalth), and has been played ever since. The rules have remained largely the same since inception. In trying to explain the rules to humans, a professional referee from the House of Scales said the following:

“Oh god, it’s pretty hard to explain. You have 6 lizards per team on the field at a time. Two of them are considered, like, musical hecklers — there’s not really a good English word for it, but they make a lot of rhythmic insults. Three are, uh...‘temporary acting forwards on probation,’ is the best I can translate. Highly mercurial position, lots of mental flexibility required. The last player is called the ßkjjlth which roughly translates to “wretch.” The wretch’s job is to draw all the insults onto themself. There’s a big ball to toss in a net for points as well, round and red, but stitched in leather like an old school human medicine ball. And — again, there’s not really human words for it — but everybody on both sides has to have sorta tough skin, both literally and physically. And then each team is required to have a parrot with a vocabulary of no more than 150 words. That’s where a lot of strategy comes in. You have to get the words approved by the league at the beginning of each season, and there’s point penalties for illegal words. And every teammate has to have a favorite color. I forget why.”

Each of the 11 Great Lizard Houses has a team in the House League, and then there are 11 other teams in the Sauropsida League. The champions of each league play each other in the ßklllth Cup Finals.

Unlike many human sports, carapace does not have separate leagues for separate genders. All genders have always played together.

Universal Appeal

When the Lizard Apocalypse brought humans and non-humans together, carapace became extremely popular among non-lizards, human and otherwise. It soon passed up American football and baseball as the most popular sport in the United States, and the second most popular sport worldwide behind normal football — even though most humans don’t fully understand what’s going on in a game. The most recent finals had more collective viewers than the entire history of the Human Celebrity Gladiator Games.

Doctor Doomlittle, Inc., manufacturer of Doctor Doomlittle's Extra Spicy Trinidad Scorpion Butch T Pepper Salsa Dip and Transmission Fluid, owns the Los Angeles Gila Monsters carapace team. Fungini, the primordial fungus magician, is part owner of the Bemidji Blue Bellies. Clawsco employee and spokesperson (and West Virginia cryptid) Mothman is a season ticket holder of the lowest ranked team, the Washington, D.C. Lacertoidea and, in his own words, “maintain[s] persistent enthusiasm amidst histrionic nonperformance.”

The Iguana crime family made a little money betting on carapace games, but gave it up after their legitimate fishing business took off.

Sports Films

Several inspirational sports films have been made about carapace teams, but the most memorable is Shellshock. The plot is the same as Billy Elliot.