Vampire Mike
a portrait of Vampire Mike, which he claims was painted “pretty recently”
Michelangelo
Other names
wine tasting, event hosting
Hobbies
“A rising ‘who’ in the who’s who of Greater Los Angeles.”
Michelangelo di Lodovico Buonarroti Simoni, simply known as Vampire Mike, is an undead immortal vampire living in Reseda, California. He stopped pretending to be a human being after the Lizard Apocalypse began, when humanity became aware of all the various non-human beings living among them. He is an independently wealthy Los Angeles socialite and event host, known for throwing extravagant parties.
It is widely suspected, though never proven, that Vampire Mike is actually Michelangelo, the famous artist of the Italian Renaissance.
Early Life
Vampire Mike claims to have been born and raised in Southern California “a long-ass time ago,” though he has never produced concrete evidence of the fact. When asked for specifics, he artfully deflects, turning the conversation towards his favorite Italian wines from the 15th or 16th centuries. He claims to have come from a middle class family. His parents “worked at Starbucks, or something.” He made his fortune on his own, “selling art overseas”.
True Identity
Vampire Mike looks remarkably similar to historical depictions of the famed renaissance artist, Michelangelo. His full name is also the exact same. As an undead immortal vampire, his exact age is not publicly recorded. When asked, he has claimed to be “turning 28 in May,” but he has given the same answer for the past 8 years.
In giving tours of his estate to party guests, there are many firsthand reports of his extensive art collection, including many drawings by the artist Michelangelo that history recorded he had destroyed in his later years. Vampire Mike says he bought them on Etsy.
In Vampire Mike’s only public interview to date, Hot Ones host Sean Evans mentioned the theories of Vampire Mike’s true identity as Michelangelo, and asked if there was any truth to them. Vampire Mike threw up his hands and said, “I don’t know about all that.”
Apocalypse and Emergence from hiding
Within a few months of the Lizard King taking over the world, humanity was acclimating to sharing the planet with non-human sentient beings previously hidden from their knowledge. The Lizard King attempted recruiting as many non-humans as possible in an attempt to extend his power. Having met Vampire Mike briefly during his “salad days”, the Lizard King created a missed connection post on Kroggslist, the non-human community’s version of Craigslist. The post claimed he could use “a thirsty vampire to enforce bloodsucking punishment on those who break Lizard Law.”
At the time, Vampire Mike was living a reclusive life in the San Fernando Valley. He masqueraded as a human and blended in with human society, not going out much. On reading the Krogglist post, he met the Lizard King in person. The Lizard King gave Vampire Mike a tour of the Temple de Reptilia Dungeons & Botanical Gardens. The Lizard King offered Vampire Mike a position as Dynamic Torturing Associate, with vision and dental, and told Mike he could “make his own hours”. Vampire Mike reportedly did not say much during the meeting, and left without giving an answer. Within a week, Vampire Mike was hosting parties at his estate.
Eventually the Lizard King reached out for a response, having never heard back about the job offer. Vampire Mike was invariably too busy to reply, not home, or had a full voicemail box. The Lizard King’s emissaries attempted to reach Vampire Mike in increasingly unconventional ways. Eventually the Lizard King himself delivered a pizza to Mike, with “I’m sorry if I offended you somehow. I thought maybe we could be friends, please respond,” spelled on top in pepperoni. The persistent attempt at connection was unusually desperate behavior for the Lizard King, and only confirmed Vampire Mike’s status as the coolest guy in LA.
Near the end of the Lizard Wars, the Lizard King ambushed Vampire Mike as he headed back to his car in the parking lot of a Walgreens, and bluntly demanded why Vampire Mike was avoiding him. Vampire Mike told him to fuck off. Enraged, the Lizard King shouted, “You’re not better than me!” and attacked. Vampire Mike transformed into an enormous bat, and the two fought it out in the parking lot. Vampire Mike won, turned back into human form, and drove off in his Buick Encore.
Word spread of the parking lot fight. Vampire Mike was repeatedly asked to intervene and fight the Lizard King, or at least join the battle against his forces. Vampire Mike refused, saying he deeply regretted the fight, and was a pacifist by nature. He continued to host parties, and the Lizard King left him alone. However, he did purchase a piece of anti Lizard King street art for $500,000.
Vampire Mike occasionally gives seminars on party planning at Pasadena City College of the Dead.
Notable Party Guests
Vampire Mike’s party guests include “everybody who’s anybody,” as one person put it. Vampire Mike rejected this description, as it “makes it sound like anybody who doesn’t come is a chump.” However, the list of celebrity guests is sizable. Past guests include psychedelic prog rock lizard band Sweet Summer Gecko, ancient mushroom woman and professional magician Fungini, Mayor of Ogretown Horkle Funkly, entrepreneurial dragon (and creator of Kroggslist) Krogg, the goddess Ishtar, and Crab Lord. Crab Lord could not fit in the house, but had a delightful chat with Mike on the lawn.
After hearing about Praying Mantis, the Atwater Village human-sized praying mantis that (possibly) prays for shoppers at Clawsco, Vampire Mike has frequently said he would love to meet her and that she would be welcome at any of his social occasions. She has yet to attend.
Diet
Vampire Mike claims he doesn’t have to drink blood to survive, though he says he would “make an exception for Reverse Jesus.” Though his parties have extravagant catering, he has never been seen eating any of it. He did eat chicken wings in his appearance on Hot Ones.
There are many, many eye-witness accounts of him eating Charleston Chew “in disgusting quantities” without ever gaining any weight. He also drinks kombucha.
Favorite Movie
Vampire Mike’s favorite movie is 1965 historical epic The Agony and the Ecstasy. He once called the film “flattering and surprisingly accurate,” and then added, “I mean I heard that one time.”